Rough Night

It’s verrry interesting…how different these words meant to me just a few years ago. What once meant an actually somewhat exciting, social and probably somewhat deviant occasion, now means sleep deprivation, complete monopolization of time and personal space, and lots of crying.
On second thought, maybe it’s still pretty much the same.

Ladies and Gentlemen:
I am a Mom now! And it’s CRAZY! But all in all still really good fun. My daughter has just turned 3 months old last Friday, and she is just as cute as can be. I know everyone says and thinks this about their kid, but EVERYONE says it about my baby girl too!

Monday night however, did not run as smoothly as I would’ve liked. I’ve been back at work for a while now, and have been pumping breastmilk throughout the day while I am here. It has been going ok, not great (I will write all about it in another post soon). I usually try to pump at least once in the morning, and once in the afternoon, and sometimes, if I am lucky, I get to go home to feed her on my lunch break. I’ve been having some issues with keeping a good supply at the ready (again, a whole other post is needed), so I decided to try and get ahead since I had some downtime on the job. I made the big mistake of pumping just an hour before I was to go home. Sheesh. Will NOT be doing that again.
I came home to a very hungry baby, and there was nothing for her to eat. We tried for a while, and she must’ve gotten something, because she was able to be distracted for a while, but it just set off a whole night of fussiness and shitty feedings. Each time we tried she would cry and fuss because there was very little happening, and she was working very hard! I even went out to Whole Foods to buy organic baby formula, just in case the night continued to be as disastrous.
We didn’t get home ’til after 8, and she slept for a while, but woke up at 9, right on schedule to feed. I still had nothing to give her. I felt terrible. It is the worst feeling to have your baby crying and counting on you to nourish her and to be unable to give her what she wants! Finally, after some time, I couldn’t stand it any more, and asked my partner to make a bottle for her. Luckily I had the milk that I had pumped from earlier in the day, and although it was only 3 oz. it was enough to sate her and put her to bed.
It felt so weird to give her a bottle. I know her dad does it, and her grandmas, but it was weird for me to give her one for the first time.
By the time we were done it was 10 something, I was soooo frustrated and hungry and tired. Discouraged.
And even the next day felt out of sorts about it. Lou had to explain to me that by the time I get home from work, she is cranky, and done for the day. It’s hard to put all of your energy into another person, even when you’re not around (working and pumping milk just for them…) and only get to spend time with them when they’re thisclose to a meltdown. Sometimes it feels like she loves everyone but me.

But I know that’s not true. I am her Momma!
And I sure Love that little girl.

Anyway, I got some goooood sleep last night, and had a wonderful morning with her today, so I am feeling better and at least a little more Zen. These holidays are a little nuts, but we’ll get through. 🙂 Cheers to you and yours this week!


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